Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
